Crossroads

So today has been a long day for me. I had a doctor appointment and the dreaded news that I may be headed for dialysis in a few short months finally arrived. Since being diagnosed I always knew this would be in my future. I have had a year to digest this but never really thought about it as it wasn't a reality at the time.  I have always been a more "I will worry about it when it happens" type of person. Am I scared? Hell yeah. I have already heard all kinds of horror stories about how sick I am to become. But as I have grown and lived through some horrible experiences I tend not to worry about things that are beyond my control. I want to enjoy the time I have left here on Earth. I want to smile, laugh, enjoy each and everyday. I want the loved ones in my life to have a positive memory of me, not one sick chained to a bed. Though I never asked for this hand I am dealt, I am not nor will I ever be a "victim".

My dear fiancee on the other hand is freaked out. He told me the last person he knew on dialysis died, which in turn kind of freaked me out. I really don't know how to handle this. I tried to talk to him and his response is I am nonchalant about the whole thing, and I don't realize how serious this is. I don't think I am being nonchalant, I am being a realist. I can't change my condition, I cant do anything about going on dialysis. I can only leave it in God's hands, and hope he sees fit to let me live a longer life. I love this man with all my heart. He is good to me, he takes care of me when I am sick, he puts up with all my crap when I am moody and mean when I am sick. He supports me in every aspect of my life. I just don't know if he can really handle the future and what may happen with me, with this condition.  After tonight I have pretty much made up in my mind not to tell him anything else happening medical wise. But then I will feel like an ass and that I am keeping secrets from him.

Is it too much to ask people not to treat me like I am dying tomorrow? Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. Not one doctor can predict when someone is going to take that long sleep. I do not have an expiration date on the bottom of foot (I checked trust me). Lord forbid, if I WAS to die tomorrow I want to leave here with beautiful, positive memories. I want to leave behind the same. Am I asking too much really?